Ulster Jokes

A Nun Without Petrol

This nun is driving along in her Renault 5 when she has the misfortune to run out of petrol somewhere near Ahoghill. So she jumps out of the car and walks down the road until she comes to a lane, and at the end of the lane there's a farm, and in the farmhouse there's a farmer, who, being a decent sort of bloke, siphons some petrol out of his Mercedes for her.
Unfortunately there isn't a petrol can about the place, and the only receptacle they can find, after a lengthy search of the premises, is a potty which was lying under a bed in one of the back rooms. So the nun heads off with her potty full of four-star, and walks back along the road until she comes to the Renault. Well, she's standing there carefully tipping the contents into the petrol tank when who should roll up but Ian Paisley in a motorcade on his way to Stormont.
The armour-plated Granada slides to a halt beside the Renault, and Paisley lowers the electric window.
'Madam,' he says to the nun, I have no time for your religion, but I can only admire your faith.'

Sean

Ian Paisley walked into his church one Sunday afternoon and found a Catholic on his knees in the aisle.
'What are you doing there, man?' he roared.
'Scrubbing the floor, Mr Paisley, said the Catholic.
That's all right,' said Paisley, 'But God help you if I catch you praying.'


S

Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

Sean

Wrong Religion

Wee Sammy comes running into the kitchen.
'Mammy, Mammy, he says, 'I want to get married to Jimmy next door.'
'Don't be silly,' says his mother. 'It's impossible.'
'But why. Mammy? I love him.'
'Yer daddy will tell you when he gets home.'
So Sammy's daddy arrives home, and wee Sammy runs up to him.
'Daddy, Daddy, I want to marry wee Jimmy next door.'
'I know,' says his daddy. 'Your mother told me.'
'Well, can I?' asks wee Sammy.
'Certainly not, says his daddy. 'It would never work.'
'Why not. Daddy?'
'Because he's a Catholic .'

When I Grow Up

This nun at the Sacred Heart of St Brigid's Primary School is asking all the kids in her class what they are going to be when they grow up.
The first one she comes to is little Patrick.
'I'm going to be a priest, sister! says little Patrick - the crawler.
'God bless you, little Patrick,' says the nun, passing on to the desk where little Concepta sits.
'I'm going to be a nun and a teacher like you,' says little Concepta -the brat.
'God bless you, little Concepta,' says the nun, passing on to the seat on which is placed the behind of little Derval, who comes from a family of fourteen living in a caravan which was abandoned by the gypsies.
'I'm going to be a prostitute, says little Derval.
'Whaaaat?' squeals the nun, clutching her rosary beads for support and turning forty shades of puce.
'I said I'm going to be a prostitute, says little Derval.
Thanks be to God.' says the nun, 'I thought you said a Protestant!

Clinton, Yeltsin agus Paisley
Tógtar Clinton, Yeltsin agus Paisley suas chun na bhflaitheas sa lift neamhaí agus tugtar i láthair an Fhir Mhóir iad. "Táim seacht sean dubh dóite den mhíghníomhaíocht ar fad atá ar siúl thíos ansin," ar Seisean. "I gceann trí lá déanfaidh mé smidiríní den Talamh. Chuir mé fios oraibh chun go mbeadh deis agaibh dul ar an teilifís agus fainic a chur ar an saol mór, le go mbeidh seans acu aithreachas a dhéanamh."

Tugtar ar ais chun an Talaimh iad, agus nochtann siad arís ina n-ionaid féin faoi seach (osnaí faoisimh ó na gardaí cosanta). Is é Clinton an chéad duine acu a théann ar an tiúb: "Tá dea-scéal agam daoibh, agus drochscéal. Is é an dea-scéal ná go bhfuil Dia ann. An drochscéal ná go ndéanfaidh Sé an Talamh a scriosadh faoi cheann trí lá."

Is le Yeltsin ansin: "Tá drochscéal agam, agus fíor dhrochscéal. Is é an drochscéal ná go bhfuil Dia ann, tar éis an tsaoil. An fíor dhrochscéal ná go bhfuil sé ar intinn Aige an domhan go léir a scriosadh i gceann trí lá.

Téann Ian Mór os comhair na gceamaraí faoi dheireadh: "Tá dea-scéal agam, agus fíor dhea-scéal. Is é an dea-scéal ná go bhfuil Dia tar éis cruthúnas eile a thabhairt dúinn go bhfuil Sé ann. An fíor dhea-scéal ná nach mbeidh Éire Aontaithe ann go deo!"
siamsa

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Dieu et Mitterrand
Téann Mitterrand ar neamh, mar a bhfuil Dia É Féin ag fanacht leis. Deir Dia leis go tromchúiseach:

"Éist go cúramach. Ar talamh, cheap tú gur dhia thú. Scéal eile ar fad anseo. Níl ach dia amháin ann agus is Mise É!"

Freagraíonn Mitterrand go séimh:

"Ceart go leor. Fadhb ar bith. Ach cogar mé seo, cathain a bheas



an chéad toghchán eile?"

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An Geall
Chuaigh Tadhg Ó Bánasa as Corca Dorcha isteach i dteach tábhairne sa gcathair, agus dúirt sé leis an óstóir,

"Cuirfidh mé deich bpunt leat gur féidir liom greim fiacla a bhreith ar mo shúil dheas."

"Ceart go leor," a deir an t-óstóir.

Leis sin, bhain Tadhg a shúil ghloine amach agus chuir sé idir a chuid fiacla í.

Tamall ina dhiaidh sin, d'iompaigh sé chun an óstóra arís:

"Cuirfidh mé geall leat gur féidir liom greim fiacla a bhreith ar mo shúil eile."

Rinne an t-óstóir smaoineamh agus dúirt se leis féin nárbh fhéidir go raibh an dara súil ghloine ag an bhfear seo, mar ní raibh sé á iompar féin mar dhall ar chor ar bith.

"Ceart go leor," a deir an t-óstóir.

Céard a rinne mo dhuine ansin ach a chuid fiacla bréige a bhaint amach agus greim a bhreith ar a shúil eile.

Níos faide anonn san oíche, chuir Tadhg Ó Bánasa caint ar an óstóir uair amháin eile:

"Tabharfaidh mé seans duit do chuid airgid a fháil ar ais. Cuirfidh mé an ghloine seo ar an mbeár agus múnfaidh mé isteach inti ón taobh eile den líne úd thall."

Chúlaigh Tadhg agus . . . theip air go hiomlán an marc a aimsiú. Bhí an t-óstóir sna trithí gáire. D'fhiafraigh sé de Thadhg bocht cén fáth ar chuir sé geall chomh hamaideach.

"An bhfeiceann tú na fir úd thall? Chuir mise céad punt leo go múnfainn ar do bheár agus go ndéanfá gáire croíúil."