ades dic un barzellet.

dedicato a quel balenga di gdbjoe...

C'è una famiglia di napoletani che vuole diventare piemontese. Un
giorno leggono su un libro come si fa: devono attraversare a nuoto il
fiume Po. Parte per primo il papà. Nuota, nuota arriva sull'altra
sponda e dice alla moglie:
- Ven si, ven si!
Parte la moglie. Nuota nuota arriva anche lei sull'altra sponda e dice
al figlio:
- Ven si, ven si!
Parte anche il figlio e..nuota un pò e poi si ferma e dice:
- Papà! Papà! - e il papà niente.
- Papà! Papà! - e il papà niente.
- Papà! Papà! - e questa volta il papà grida:
- E' sin minute chi sun piemunteis e già sti napuli rumpu el bale!!!

Q. What's the difference between a knacker and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two knackers jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a knacker girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old knacker girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a knacker in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a knacker in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. Why did the knacker cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a knacker girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a knacker on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a knacker quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Two knackers in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

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- E' sin minute chi sun piemunteis e già sti napuli rumpu el bale!!!

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Me l'ero persa questa: bellissima.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublinpub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door
and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin'focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night
?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Splendida

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited
Pat, the only irish lad in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the
host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Pat in the pool fighting the
crocodile, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Pat and
the crocodile were screaming and raising hell. Finally Pat strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Pat then slowly climbed out of the pool with a 'focking hell, that was just tough!". Everybody was just staring at the brave irish in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Pat, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'I don't want it,' said Pat.

The rich man said, 'Paddy, I have to give you something. You won
the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Pat.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Pat said 'nope'.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Pat, then what do you
want?

Pat said, 'well, I do want the focking gobshite who pushed me in!!!''

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.

'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi .

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's drunk.'

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a CAT bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'
Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy... I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!'

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'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps

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