Irish Jokes

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in West Kerry and explains to her class that she is a Kerry fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Kerry fans. Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Kerry fan" she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Kerry fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray to God are you a Cork fan?" "Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum
is a Cork fan and my Dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!"

"Well", said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what what would you be then?"

"Then", Mary smiled, "I'd be a Dublin fan".


enjoy the craic

Sean

La inoltro subito al mio ex (dubliner doc trapiantato a milano)che non è affatto un poco di buono ma ha proprio la faccia da ladro di auto e spacciatore (ma la sua mamma è una santa donna)

www.oirishtimes.com/jokes.htm

They look just like us


Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

Sean

Hand in marriage

Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.

'I think so,' replied Murphy.

'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.

Fish & Chips

'I'll have fish and chips twice,' said Murphy.

'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'

'Then they'd better be fat,' said Murphy.


My wife is having a baby

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.

'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'

'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'

'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.'



SeanJoker

[Modificato da Sean1 19/08/2004 15.58]

Bag Of Ducks

One Kerryman met another carrying a bag on his back.
'What's in the bag?' asked the first Kerryman.
'I won't tell you', said the second.
'Go on, do'.
'All right then, it's ducks'.
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?'
'Look', said the second Kerryman, 'if you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them'.
'Five', said the first Kerryman.

Sean

English counterfeiters
Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - £50, £20, £10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermarked, queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was £18.

'Never mind,' said Brown, the bossman. 'We'll unload it when we're over in Ireland.'

And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it.

'Excuse me,' said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. 'Have you got change for an £18 note?'

'Indeed, sir,' said Casey. 'And would you like three sixes or two nines?'



Sean

An Irish policeman in Liverpool found a dead horse in Cazneau Street.

Not being too sure how to spell Cazneau Street he dragged the beast into Lime Street.


S

Job interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

Sean

Sean,

senza cattiveria, ma ti sei dimenticato l'ottimo umorismo italiano?
....sara' che a me l'umorismo inglese fa davvero tanta tristezza....
Le poche cose inglesi/americane che guardo in TV con piacere sono solo Father Ted e Friends o Will and Grace!
Ho visto davvero tanto trash qui in TV!!!

Ma vogliamo mettere con le barzellette che girano in italia ed i nostri comici?

Pure lo scorso sabato ero con degli amici irlandesi che ridevano per delle puttanate incredibili!!!! Mi toccava ridere queasi per forza! Scusate questo sfogo....sara' che e' anche fine agosto e ieri sera ho dovuto accendere il riscaldamento dato che siamo a 13 gradi!!!! Che tempo di mer....

Radio

riscaldamento...anche io stamattina...mattina o era notte ? ...brrrrrr che freddo....

ok allora apriamo un3D sulle barzellette italiane e chi piu' ne piu' ne metta !!!

io pero' adesso me ne vo' alla casuccia

Sean

Alluring Woman in Bar
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room

carina

n Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,

and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appears.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest,

How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)



























I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

that's a good one!

know i shouldn't say this, but i really have a laugh with "little britain" fellas.
does anybody know them?

---

Scritto da: secondcentre 27/01/2006 15.31
n Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,

and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appears.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest,

How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)



























I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

---

There was a Rangers fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he saw a local man in his smal boat, fishing. The Rangers fan asked "Are there any sharks in there?" The local replied "No sharks in here." The Rangers fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear. Once he got into the water he asked the local "Aren't you going to jump in? It's nice in here." The local told him "No, there's too many crocodiles".

Having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After
digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Cork bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing.
They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago,
Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

Q: What have Rangers got in common with a three pin plug?
A: Both are useless in Europe! ha ha!!

... but look what i got today in my mailbox:

Subject: web sites...


Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com


Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com


Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net


Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com


And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com


Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

These are all real!

A guy walks into a pub with his dog.The dog is wearing earphones and has a radio taped to it's back.
The barman says, "whats with the earphones oan the dug" The punter replies "I usually take him to the Celtic game on a Saturday, but I couldnae get tickets this week so he's listening to the game on the radio".
"Aye right" said the barman. 10 minutes later the dog starts doing backflips. "What's he up to" says the barman. "Magic's just scored" replies the man. "aye right" says the barman again. "Switch teletext on and see" says the punter. Right enough the score comes up Celtic 1 Rangers 0 (Zurawski) 2 minutes later the dog starts chasing it's tail."What's he up to now" asks the barman. "thats what he does when Miller scores it must be 2-0. "Piss off" says the barman. "Check the telly" says the punter. Sure enough the score comes up Celtic 2 Rangers 0 (Miller) "That's amazing" says the barman "What does he do when Rangers score?" "Dunno" says the punter "I've only had him a year!!"

---

Scritto da: fergus 13/12/2006 17.54
A guy walks into a pub with his dog.The dog is wearing earphones and has a radio taped to it's back.
The barman says, "whats with the earphones oan the dug" The punter replies "I usually take him to the Celtic game on a Saturday, but I couldnae get tickets this week so he's listening to the game on the radio".
"Aye right" said the barman. 10 minutes later the dog starts doing backflips. "What's he up to" says the barman. "Magic's just scored" replies the man. "aye right" says the barman again. "Switch teletext on and see" says the punter. Right enough the score comes up Celtic 1 Rangers 0 (Zurawski) 2 minutes later the dog starts chasing it's tail."What's he up to now" asks the barman. "thats what he does when Miller scores it must be 2-0. "Piss off" says the barman. "Check the telly" says the punter. Sure enough the score comes up Celtic 2 Rangers 0 (Miller) "That's amazing" says the barman "What does he do when Rangers score?" "Dunno" says the punter "I've only had him a year!!"

---

Cracks me up!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A man walks in a pub goes over to the bar looks at the
barwoman and says "you know you have very small breasts?"
The barwoman says" how dare you speak to me like that? Get out U R barred."
Sometime goes past and the same man walks in the same pub goes over to the bar looks at the barwoman and says " U know u have a very big arse?" the woman says u r the same guy that I barred last time u have some front to come in here again and say that to me...... so since u seem to B the expert what U thing I should do? “The guy says “get a bit of tissue and rub between your breast." the barwoman says” and will that work?
And the guy “Well it worked for your arse!

A priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in
the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the thingy was missing.

He knew about the thingy fights in the village, so he decided to
question
his parishioners in the church.

During mass, he asked his congregation,

"Has anybody got a c**k?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.

"Has anybody seen a c**k that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody
seen MY c**k?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

BREAKING NEWS

In view of the recent revelations that TV companies are being investigated for letting people enter competitions that they had absolutely no chance of winning, it has been announced by the SFA and SPL that Glasgow Rangers are taking legal action against them for the same reason.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics
without tickets.
So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they
would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and
picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."
The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under
his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing."
The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around
the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and
says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."